January 25, 2011: Electronic/dance/fratbro duo LMFAO release their single Party Rock Anthem.
Sometime March 2011: I first stumble across the song because its music video has been recently posted on Youtube. After watching the video, I try to convince my housemate that it has artistic integrity because of its quality costuming, choreography, and cinematography.
June 2011: Party Rock Anthem is every 3rd song played on Top 40 radio stations. It’s also probably picked up by stations that normally play country, classical, the best of the ’80s, and NPR. It’s that pervasive.
August 2011: That damn song is still everywhere. I’m no longer touting the music video’s artistic integrity.
September 2011: A Star Wars cantina dub version of the Party Rock Anthem video appears on Youtube. This is pretty good, actually, and merits being included in this blog post:
October 2011: I’ve gone numb to the song. I no longer feel anything when it comes on and ignore its suggestions to “put my hands up to the sun” and shuffle everyday.
November 2011: I’ve heard the song so many times that I’m actually starting to like it again. It’s like the musical version of Stockholm Syndrome. I even go back to the music video in an attempt to learn its choreography. I learn about the first 4 seconds of that shuffling dance and then give up.
March 2012: Party Rock Anthem is played at the beginning of my half-marathon. I’m kind of starting to hate it again, but I forgive its presence in this instance because it is a pretty good pump-up song, after all.
May 2012: The local community band plays their own rendition of the song as part of the exit music at my college graduation. Congratulations, Party Rock Anthem, you even managed to crash one of the biggest milestones of my life.
June 2012: In spite of the fact that it’s been out for over a year and a half, the song is played twice on the local Top 40 station in a span of 3 hours while I’m at work. This thing is a fucking juggernaut.
2015: Party Rock Anthem is welcomed into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Rolling Stone names it “the best song of all time, ever”. Pitchfork throws up its hands and announces that it’s quitting the music industry.
2025: The National Archives and Records Administration declares Party Rock Anthem a national treasure and holds a gala event in its honor. The Chief Archivist of the United States declares that the song must be preserved to remind Americans that no matter how hard it gets, every day we are shuffling. Other honorees at the event include Pitbull’s Give Me Everything and Foster the People’s Pumped Up Kicks.
2050: Party Rock Anthem wins the Nobel Peace Prize for its diplomatic work in the Middle East.
2075: In a misguided attempt to inspire nostalgia for my generation, my grandchildren elect to play Party Rock Anthem at my funeral. And so as my coffin is lowered into the ground (or maybe a hydraulic chamber, since this is 2075), my funeral-goers are reminded that the party rockers will never leave the house.