Dearest Studio Executives,
How are you? I hope all is well and that you are not too overwhelmed with work, although I imagine you are quite busy as you have not yet responded to my previous letter, regarding my proposal for a romantic comedy adaptation of The Metamorphosis, nor have you accepted my friend request on Facebook. Anyway, I wanted to get back to you because I have another idea for a script that I am tentatively calling Undercover Magic Cops.
I came up with this idea based on the megasuccess of the Harry Potter franchise as well as the more recent success of the film 21 Jump Street. Did you get a chance to see 21 Jump Street? It’s a gritty dramatization of the lives of undercover cops at a brutal inner-city high school. Columbia Pictures has been doing some great stuff lately. But to get to my main point, I was in the bath a few days ago (I get my best ideas in the bath) and I thought to myself, Why not piggyback on the success of two franchises by making a film about undercover cops at a magical boarding school? Thus Undercover Magic Cops was born.
Now, I’m pretty savvy with legal matters and I know that I (and you, as my producers) will likely get sued if I straight up write a script where agents of 21 Jump Street go to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Therefore, my script is going to revolve around two screw-up agents from 95 Hop Boulevard who infiltrate Haagendaas School of German Witchcraft and Icecreamery. If I’ve learned anything from my storebrand Thin Wheats and Nütter Bütters, it’s that you don’t have to change the names of well-known things very much to avoid being sued.
I learned from a recent writing workshop that I participated in (with a lovely gentleman who lives under the Fifth Street bridge and recites limericks at people who walk by) that a good screenplay needs some kind of central conflict, so here is mine: The Haagendaas School has been infiltrated by a group of drug dealers marketing wizard steroids. These steroids increase a teenage wizard’s ability to cast spells, which is obviously dangerous since teenagers shouldn’t be trusted with something as powerful as magic in the first place (in my humble opinion). The head drug dealer is going to be the obnoxious blond trustfunder Draco Malfoy of Slytherin House—or for legal purposes Darko Malfactor of Slytherworth House (my use of italics indicates that I am winking at you). The audience, though, won’t learn that until the climax of the film, because they learn things at the same time as the two screw-up cops, who really screw up in this film and accidentally become best bros with Darko. (I really want to focus on the theme of betrayal here.)
I’m still ironing out the specific details of the plot, but I know that I want to include a montage of the cops trying to learn magic set to the Jackson 5’s “ABC”, at least one high-stakes Quadditch match, and a party scene where the Dark Lord Maldemort (who is the ultimate wizard steroid kingpin) shows up uninvited and ruins everyone’s buzz. Also, there will be a really heart-warming scene at the end where Darko sees the error of his drug-dealing ways and apologizes to the undercover magic cops, who in turn apologize for pretending to be both teenagers and wizards, and then they all go back to being best bros. I think we could squeeze a really strong anti-drug and anti-betrayal message out of this. I’m going to take another bath now and am hoping to get a draft of the script done tonight, if I can somehow find a way of keeping my paper from getting wet (now’s when it would be really handy if magic was a real thing, eh? Hahahaha).
Anyway, I’ll mail in my non-waterlogged draft as soon as possible, but in the meantime I’d love to hear your thoughts on the idea, as well as an estimate of when you think this can go into production.