Esteemed Discovery Channel Executives,
Greetings! Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedules to review my reality TV pitch. I know that you could be spending this time in your office hot tub that Bear Grylls carved using only a whittled Norwegian stick, or having a frenemies dance-off with those bitches from the History Channel, so I really appreciate that you’ve instead chosen to spend some quality time with my bold new vision.
First of all, I want you to know that I really like Deadliest Catch. Before watching that show, I didn’t even know that crab fisherman was a viable profession. I thought it was one of those salt-of-the-earth jobs that only lives on in mythology, like lamplighting, milkmanning, or newspaper writing. But now I know better. Crab fishing is probably the most noble profession there is—way better than the previous careers I have pursued in skunk baiting, Appalachian hermit diplomacy, and Olive Garden salad maker. Deadliest Catch does an amazing job of capturing the gritty lives of America’s most majestic heroes…but there is one way the show could be better. You see, the crab fisherman on the show aren’t nearly inept enough. They are ept if I ever saw it, performing their jobs in a highly satisfactory manner. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned from my days of watching Paris Hilton’s The Simple Life (I had a lot of extra time to watch TV back when I was a skunk baiter), it’s that people love watching other people fail at jobs. Therefore, as a young woman who has never seen the ocean and who has only ever eaten imitation crab, I propose that you create the spin-off Deadliest Catch: Madeline’s On a Boat. Although reality TV is known for its unpredictable and volatile nature, I have used the space below to outline some scenarios that might ensue if you paid to send me off on my own crab fishing expedition:
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